As a father two-year old twins and self-employed filmmaker I sometimes dream about a regular paycheck and Monday-Friday employment. Then I remember the lack of job security and those paychecks and end the dream right there. Now, I’m less qualified for some jobs but here are few that I can land as a father of toddlers.
1. Consumer Reports Tester. The washer, dryer, dishwasher, garbage disposal, remote controls and blender get pushed to their limits every day.
2. Diplomat. Every day with twins we float between cold war hostility to favorite nation-state status with their fingers on the public tantrum button every moment of every day.
3. Chef. Wonder how avocado and waffles taste together. What about Jelly on your Banana? Experiments in the kitchen happen at every meal.
4. Royal Food Taster. Speaking of kitchen experiments. If the kids tell you to eat it. You eat it. Good luck.
5. Geologist. Now that the weather is turning nice on the east coast. We’re digging. We’re picking up rocks. Looking through mud. What’s under the fingernails stays under the fingernails.
6. Entomologist. What kind of bug is that? You’ll hear this question all the time. In means something completely different indoors. Pill bugs to Black Widows I’ve researched them all. Black Widows are spiders and not insects I know but explain that to a two-year old.
7. Personal Coach. At one time in my life I worked for Tony Robbins. I used to laugh at all the positive affirmations and hallway hive-fives. I’m not laughing anymore. I’m now cheering on poop.
8. Meditation Guru – Who doesn’t love a back rub? My kids love it. Sometimes it’s the only way to get them to sleep. After a good half hour of making circles on their backs if you can’t get lost in thought, you’re gonna have a bad time. You’re inner you can either be Deepak Chopra or Sam Kinison.
9. Songwriter – I’ve come up with more songs than the Rolling Stones. They’re terrible and I can’t remember a single song, but the kids love it and it breathes new life into Christmas carols.
10. Home Cleaner – No explanation necessary. However, how certain foods got in certain places may need some explanation.
11. Librarian – I remember the Dewey Decimal system. I’ve read Every Little Critter to my kids as well as The Sun Also Rises. Books are the lifeblood of young children. Don’t underestimate a single moment they spend with an open book.
13. Therapist. We all have our days. Karen has them all the time. Okay I do too. Sharing our experiences makes us better for the next time, except the next time is completely different. Also, getting a two-year old to hug it out is an top-of-the-resume accomplishment.
14. Hostage Negotiator – “Let go of your Brother!” I’ve said that phrase a million times in a thousand different ways. It’s only worked a few times. They bite, pull, grab and to what end? You’ll never know.
15. Ninja. It’s nine o’clock. You want to watch House of Cards before you pass out. You’re in the bedroom with two sleeping children and you can’t open the door more than crack it’s opened now or the hallway light may wake them. You move slowly and with such stealthiness you can’t help but wonder if you were a paid assassin for the Emperor in an earlier life.