Next week the boys turn 4. Those four years took much longer when I was in college. Unlike college, everything I learned in parenting expires and won’t get my that executive level position.
Here are some of my favorite things I’ve learned.
- If your one-year-old is quiet, they’re pooping.
If your two-year-old is quiet they’re listening.
If your three-year-old is quiet they’re about to stick something into an electric socket.
If your four-year-old is quiet, they’re in school.
- The Golf Nap. What was boring pre-kids is now a welcomed tranquilizer. Life Pro Tip – Talk like Golf commentators and your around
Life Pro Tip – Talk like Golf commentators and around your children to calm yourself and your kids down during stressful situations. I don’t know if this works but worth trying.
- Don’t read picture books from the 70s. They were drawn by accountants on LSD.
- If you have a newborn and you don’t know if you brushed your teeth – you didn’t.
- Taking your toddlers to a restaurant? Order the cheapest thing on the menu, since you won’t remember inhaling it anyway.
- Don’t worry things will get better, like when you say goodbye to diapers.
- But they will also get worse, such as when they become jerks and insult other kids in front of their parents.
- Never give your toddlers more than 5 minutes advance notice where you’re going, but then immediately tell them when you’ll be leaving.
- Sleep when you can. Coffee when you can’t.
- But remember it’s better to be tired than wired.
- The future comes faster with kids. You never have as much time as you think.
- The Terrible Twos are a cakewalk compared to the Terrifying Threes, or the Frightening Fours
- Dressing a child will take between 45 seconds and 45 minutes.
- Never dress warmer than your kids.
- Speaking of dressing, dress yourself first.
- Never look up symptoms on the internet.
- You can’t spell thermometers without her mom, and you’ll own 6-8 non-working ones before your kids are four. Anyone’s guess.
- 99.3 degrees is not a fever unless you’re a catfish.
- Commercials during Football are far worse on Fox than CBS. If men injuring themselves on a field isn’t traumatic enough, the torture porn commercials for Gotham or some crazy doctor show will.
- You watched 20,000 commercials as a child. Between Netflix and PBS our kids have seen about twenty and they all ended up on theri Christmas list.
- Then again I didn’t know what binge watching was until I was in my 30s.
- Dad bod is fine, but at least exercise. Your kids will thank you and so will your spouse.
- When you want to yell -do ten pushups. If you do yell do twenty. Then tell your kids you’re sorry.
- With twins, it may take an hour to unload a dishwasher when they’re awake and it’s like playing a game of Operation if you do it when they are sleeping.
- Never buy toys on clearance. There is a good reason they’re there.
- Develop some good character voices to keep reading interesting.
- What rolls under the oven, stays under the oven.
- Don’t look your pre-kids pictures. It’s not you anymore.
- You won’t know the last time your kids poop their pants, but there will be the last time.
- You won’t know the last time they kiss you goodnight and tell you they love you, but they’ll likely be the last time. Just kidding, that’s too sad.
- When you’re tired, your 6-month-old won’t stop crying and you are about to lose your mind put on your headphones, listen to some Howard Stern. Trust me.
- Feeling liking sharing everything your kids do? Skip Facebook, start a blog so at least you own your kid’s pictures.
- Those new adult friends right?
- Yes, your kid is better than everyone else’s kid.
- Don’t eat a cereal with Yoda on the box.
- If you wouldn’t give it to your dog, don’t give it your kid, because your kid will give it to the dog anyway.
- Kids are easier when they are in Diapers.
- The fantasies of your childless days really kick when the kids turn three. When you get a weekend alone, you’ll be so productive it’ll feel like you’re on speed.
- Gloss or semi-gloss. Never matte.
- Yes. You do need to eat whatever combination of food your kids offer you.
- You know more about what’s going on in the world of Star Wars than the actual world.
- The word poop. Kids love it. You’ll hate it.
- Little kids have no idea what wasting food means. Save your breath and compost it.
- I love my dog, but that doesn’t make me a dog person. I love my kids….
- Carrots work. Sticks don’t
- You may not know it, but you have a parenting philosophy and everyone else knows what it is.
- If you’re smart and you care, you can mostly wing it.
- Don’t take seriously parenting “experts” who don’t have any kids older than three.
- Take your kids to lunch at 11:45 for lunch or 4:45 for dinner. No wait.
- Toss your antisocial and introverted ways aside until your kids can figure it out on their own.
- Just remember, those perfect mom instagramers spent 60 minutes on their phone in front of their kids to convince you they’re the perfect mom.