Next week the boys turn 4.  Those four years took much longer when I was in college. Unlike college, everything I learned in parenting expires and won’t get my that executive level position.

Here are some of my favorite things I’ve learned.

1. If your one-year-old is quiet, they’re pooping.
   If your two-year-old is quiet they’re listening.
   If your three-year-old is quiet they’re about to stick something into an electric socket.
   If your four-year-old is quiet, they’re in school.
2. The Golf Nap. What was boring pre-kids is now a welcomed tranquilizer.   Life Pro Tip – Talk like Golf commentators and your around
   Life Pro Tip – Talk like Golf commentators and around your children to calm yourself and your kids down during stressful situations.  I don’t know if this works but worth trying.
3. Don’t read picture books from the 70s.  They were drawn by accountants on LSD.
   
   
4. If you have a newborn and you don’t know if you brushed your teeth – you didn’t.

5. Taking your toddlers to a restaurant?  Order the cheapest thing on the menu, since you won’t remember inhaling it anyway.

6. Don’t worry things will get better, like when you say goodbye to diapers.
7. But they will also get worse, such as when they become jerks and insult other kids in front of their parents.
8. Never give your toddlers more than 5 minutes advance notice where you’re going, but then immediately tell them when you’ll be leaving.
9. Sleep when you can. Coffee when you can’t.
   
10. But remember it’s better to be tired than wired.
11. The future comes faster with kids. You never have as much time as you think.
    
12. The Terrible Twos are a cakewalk compared to the Terrifying Threes, or the Frightening Fours
13. Dressing a child will take between 45 seconds and 45 minutes.
14. Never dress warmer than your kids.
15. Speaking of dressing, dress yourself first.
16. Never look up symptoms on the internet.
17. You can’t spell thermometers without her mom, and you’ll own 6-8 non-working ones before your kids are four. Anyone’s guess.
    
18. 99.3 degrees is not a fever unless you’re a catfish.
19. Commercials during Football are far worse on Fox than CBS.  If men injuring themselves on a field isn’t traumatic enough, the torture porn commercials for Gotham or some crazy doctor show will.
20. You watched 20,000 commercials as a child.  Between Netflix and PBS our kids have seen about twenty and they all ended up on theri Christmas list.
    
21. Then again I didn’t know what binge watching was until I was in my 30s.
22. Dad bod is fine, but at least exercise. Your kids will thank you and so will your spouse.
23. When you want to yell -do ten pushups.  If you do yell do twenty. Then tell your kids you’re sorry.
24. With twins, it may take an hour to unload a dishwasher when they’re awake and it’s like playing a game of Operation if you do it when they are sleeping.
25. Never buy toys on clearance.  There is a good reason they’re there.
26. Develop some good character voices to keep reading interesting.
27. What rolls under the oven, stays under the oven.
28. Don’t look your pre-kids pictures. It’s not you anymore.
29. You won’t know the last time your kids poop their pants, but there will be the last time.
30. You won’t know the last time they kiss you goodnight and tell you they love you, but they’ll likely be the last time. Just kidding, that’s too sad.
31. When you’re tired, your 6-month-old won’t stop crying and you are about to lose your mind put on your headphones, listen to some Howard Stern. Trust me.
32. Feeling liking sharing everything your kids do?  Skip Facebook, start a blog so at least you own your kid’s pictures.
33. Those new adult friends right?
34. Yes, your kid is better than everyone else’s kid.
35. Don’t eat a cereal with Yoda on the box.
    
    
36. If you wouldn’t give it to your dog, don’t give it your kid, because your kid will give it to the dog anyway.
37. Kids are easier when they are in Diapers.
38. The fantasies of your childless days really kick when the kids turn three.  When you get a weekend alone, you’ll be so productive it’ll feel like you’re on speed.
39. Gloss or semi-gloss. Never matte.
40. Yes. You do need to eat whatever combination of food your kids offer you.
     
41. You know more about what’s going on in the world of Star Wars than the actual world.
42. The word poop. Kids love it. You’ll hate it.
43. Little kids have no idea what wasting food means.  Save your breath and compost it.
44. I love my dog, but that doesn’t make me a dog person.  I love my kids….
45. Carrots work.  Sticks don’t
46. You may not know it, but you have a parenting philosophy and everyone else knows what it is.
47. If you’re smart and you care, you can mostly wing it.
48. Don’t take seriously parenting “experts” who don’t have any kids older than three.
49. Take your kids to lunch at 11:45 for lunch or 4:45 for dinner. No wait.
50. Toss your antisocial and introverted ways aside until your kids can figure it out on their own.
51. Just remember, those perfect mom instagramers spent 60 minutes on their phone in front of their kids to convince you they’re the perfect mom.